A DIFFERENT TIME FRAME

Living my title, "From Both Sides Now"

This is one of the more challenging posts I have written, partly because I have not been in this situation previously and partly because I want you receive it with the spirit with which it is offered. It comes from a place of enormous gratitude for a full and active life, one that gave me, and still gives me, a wide spectrum of friendships, meaningful connections, rich conversations, and unlimited opportunities for learning. In this latter stage, I continue to be curious about human motivation and behaviors. I have described my life previously as living up to the brim and spilling over with love, adventures and meaningful good work of many kinds.

As many of you know, my progressive heart disease was further complicated with pneumonia and a blood clot on a lung last December and in January, I was airlifted back to the U.S. from where we were loving life in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico, That was a new experience, not one to be repeated but it was nonetheless fascinating in how it was so well orchestrated. Ambulance from front our front door at 7 AM to airport in Queretaro, then a small, Lear jet to Tucson for immigration to get passport stamped from agent who came out to the plane, Then the next leg to Henderson, NV, landing at the private airport there, There was an ambulance waiting to take me to a large hospital there where a couple of our kids live and are a source of great support. If any ex-pats are reading this and you don’ t have international health insurance, you can get the air ambulance insurance as a backup if you have to return to the U.S. Otherwise, it is very expensive.

What I know is that my terminal disease is advancing slowly, with no more additional treatments or interventions possible given my condition and age. I am OK with that as long as I am comfortable and able to be up and active for a total of 8-9 hours each day and have a mind that is alert and functioning most of the time. Naps help. I have had a few tough moments and recovered from those. One was disorienting and amusing and had to do with my sense of time. I woke up from a 4-hour nap and I was sure it was morning and time to get up and start another day. It was actually just after 5:30 PM closer to the end of the day. My dear wife had a hard time convincing me it was evening, not morning. Another event was precipitated by an accumulation of some emotions, including depression and discouragement. I said that I didn’t think I could go on like this any longer nor did I have any desire to continue. Being able to name and express those feelings helped me move beyond them.

I live every day by giving and doing what I can. I accept my limited mobility, fatigue, weakness and compromised breathing. That might sound like a complaint, negative and discouraging. That is not how I experience it. I see it as my reality that I accept as my companion teaching me how to live through each day until we come to the last day and we have few clues of when that might be. The deterioration and slowing down of the heart is gradual unless there is some unpredictable event like a stroke or a fall or sudden change in another vital organ or systems. Call me a realist with a positive attitude of gratitude. I also subscribe to faith hope and love and have been the recipient of more than my share. I call it a life blessed by Grace.

All of us have an appointment with death at some point in time. Most people don’t like talking about it and I understand that because we don’t know when or how that might occur and those who have not accepted and embraced their own mortality might have a fear of dying and see death as the enemy. I am one who sees death as a friend and as what Bonhoeffer describes ss the fourth and final stage to freedom. It also looks to me like a relief for those who suffer extensive pain and discomfort which, from my view, is unnecessary.

I look forward to what lies ahead and have already had numerous, rich conversations with good friends and family about what matters most in living and dying. A few of you are part of that group and I treasure those times. On the family front there is a gathering of 28 of our children and grandchildren planned for April 19 and they will all be here in person. Call it a love feast and a gift of their presence. I am blessed beyond what I might ever had expected. As you might guess I am grateful for every day, for what I can give to it, and take from it, even when it might be challenging.

PS. If you haven’t read thefollowing story "The Appointment in Samarra"
(as retold by W. Somerset Maugham [1933]) enjoy the additional minute:

The speaker is Death

There was a merchant in Bagdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions and in a little while the servant came back, white and trembling, and said, Master, just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a woman in the crowd and when I turned I saw it was Death that jostled me. She looked at me and made a threatening gesture, now, lend me your horse, and I will ride away from this city and avoid my fate. I will go to Samarra and there Death will not find me. The merchant lent him his horse, and the servant mounted it, and he dug his spurs in its flanks and as fast as the horse could gallop he went. Then the merchant went down to the marketplace and he saw me standing in the crowd and he came to me and said, Why did you make a threating getsture to my servant when you saw him this morning? That was not a threatening gesture, I said, it was only a start of surprise. I was astonished to see him in Bagdad, for I had an appointment with him tonight in Samarra.