GROWING OLDER GRACEFULLY AND GRATEFULLY

Grace and Gratitude.  Two sides of the same coin.  The medium of exchange.  Between the world and me.

The following “goes without saying” but since I am a master of the obvious I will say it anyway.  We all have this in common.  We’re all getting older, day by day, month by month, year by year.  The important part is how we’re getting older, resisting and resenting or rejoicing and relieved?

What we witness, regardless of age, are the changes that take place and some of these happen rapidly on both ends of the continuum.  The early changes in childhood and adolescence are generally related to growth while the changes on this end are often seen in decline. I want to address these latter changes and offer up some strategies for dealing with the decline. Too many people seem to think there’s not much we can do to slow the onset of disease, disability and eventual death.  Yes, we will all die some day but I believe that there are ways to live more fully until that time, whatever the circumstances.

At 82, Oliver Sacks was diagnosed with terminal cancer in January of 2015, and he decided to write some essays, and in them, he shared his thoughts about how he wished to live out his days as well as his feelings on dying. The collection was published posthumously in August of 2015 in the small volume, Gratitude.  He found positive ways to think about everything, including his growing frailty.  Perhaps, he suggests in the book’s final pages, he was in the Sabbath of his life, “when one can feel that one’s work is done, and one may, in good conscience, rest.” His thoughtful and tender book leaves readers with a similar sense of tranquility and, indeed, gratitude.

In mid-November of 2016 I attended a social event in Boston hosted by my daughter and son-in-law.  I was one of three of the oldest of the 75 people who were there. The oldest person was a 92 year-old, long-time friend of mine whom I met in 1959.  I had known him, his wife and their two sons, who were in their 50’s. All four were there. Numerous friends and neighbors and some of their children, friends of my daughter and granddaughter in earlier years, were in attendance.  I had known many of these people for more than 30 years so it was easy to reconnect and put some missing pieces in place.  Many conversations were an update of what had happened since we last met and what was currently happening in their families. 

A number of guests at the party, either out of kindness or generosity, expressed surprise that I appeared to be in good shape for my age, active, engaged and enjoying a life of travel, work and leisure. For this event I flew to Boston from Mexico where we spent several winter months traveling to various places of interest. Now we live here full time.   Many of their parents were apparently not doing so well, and I was saddened to hear of their declining health.  However, the realities of aging are not only challenging for those of us in our waning years but also challenging for the children too.  It is to them. as well as to my aging contemporaries, that I offer the following observations and recommendations.

I want to share a brief story about my 92 year-old friend, Bob, whose health was in obvious decline.  He was losing his vision and his mobility was decreasing physically.   I made it a point to sit down with him earlier in the day and have a catch up conversation.  Bob shared his frustrations and discouragement with his situation that was unlikely to change for the better. We also talked of positive memories of our children and times shared in the past when he was more vigorous, active and engaged in the world.  We didn’t see each other frequently but we managed to stay in touch. Our birthdays are a day apart and we talked on the phone numerous times throughout a year.  Bob and his wife retired to Vermont in 1989 and I recall helping them finish their kitchen by installing some floor tile. They, my daughter and her family often celebrated holidays and birthdays together in northern Vermont.

I spoke to one of my friend’s sons about his father’s condition and asked out of concern what kind of plans they might have in place for the months ahead.  I was surprised to learn there weren’t any plans except for being able to respond immediately “if something happened” to either of their parents.  Those are often code words for an accident or death.  Many of the people with whom I spoke that evening did not seem to have a plan for their aging parents or they were scrambling to put one together because a serious issue was now demanding attention.  Since change is inevitable we can plan for it.  However, it seems that both the aging parents and their children do not want to come to grips with the inevitable and think about a design and a plan that addresses the quality of life. Bob died at age 96, a slow and suffering experience for him and those who loved him. Life does not have to end that way.  We now have VSED (Voluntary Stopping Eating and Drinking) and MAID (Medical Assistance in Dying). You can look up either or both of those to learn more about the details and possible choices.   From both sides now!

Many of the conversations that I had with my daughter’s friends had to do with their parents who were contemporaries of mine and most of whom I knew in earlier years when our children were younger and were either neighbors or school friends.   I listened to their concerns about their parents, many of which had to do with health issues and conditions around these so-called later years.  The reality of our later years are filled with many changes, not all of them desirable or welcome.

As I was talking with one of the guests, a high school friend of my daughter and a neighbor of hers in Boston, her friend told me about her mother’s health and her and her sisters’ concerns.  Since I knew all of them, my response was to inquire further about her mother’s physical condition, and to ask questions about her mental, emotional, social and spiritual resources.  She responded with enthusiasm regarding my comprehensive analysis.  One reason she expressed interest in my commenting on her mother’s condition in a more holistic way was that she and other family members were meeting the next morning to discuss what they needed to do to put some kind of plan in place.  My approach sounded more creative, comprehensive and hopeful than any she had known about previously.  The daughters made sure their mother had the care she needed and for the past three years, she suffered from late-stage severe dementia due to Alzheimer's disease, losing the ability to communicate. That situation requires constant care, 24/7.   She died two weeks ago.

A pattern of mine for many years began in graduate school with my studies in human development.  The interdisciplinary program focused on the physical, mental, psychological and social aspects of individual and family development over the life cycle.  Academic subjects were not explored in silos, in isolation, but rather in concert with one another.  Research studies in early childhood, adolescence, adulthood and gerontology were examined in detail with many of the results being tested and applied in various centers around the country.  An entire college devoted to a developmental and educational approach was a novel idea in the late sixties, early seventies. Thus my work, as well as my life, has focused on the inter-dependence of various factors in an equation for success.  I found this more productive than isolating something, giving it a label and concentrating mostly on one dimension.  I believe we miss many opportunities when our attention is narrowed rather than broadened and deepened to be inclusive. We may be able to be of more help if we consider dimensions we might have ignored because of an isolated and demanding concern.  Next week I explore the five dimensions of aging, as well as a full life at any age. I believe these are worthy of more attention and consideration.