Grace and Gratitude. Two sides of the same coin. The medium of exchange. Between the world and me.FROM BOTH SIDES NOW is a reader-supported publication.
What a thoughtful piece, Gary, and thanks for the tip about "Gratitude" – I'll be sure to get a copy.
My mother chose VSED, even though her facility fought it by constantly bringing meals on trays to her bedside – a complete waste of food but they said by law (NC) they had to do it.
I agree with you that "we miss many opportunities when our attention is narrowed rather than broadened and deepened to be inclusive."
Thanks, Kristin. There are choices that many have not considered, thus one of my reasons for sharing. The laws are peculiar, and only 10 states, plus D.C. have MAID. It is not widely published nor regarded for the benefits. VSED likewise.
Thanks as always Gary. I look forward to your series coming. In Australia we have the capacity to prepare an Advanced Health Directive, that gives medical staff a clear understanding of your wishes in relation to "heroic measures" in illness etc, and you choose who to give a Power Of Attorney to should you become incapable of making decisions. This is a really worthwhile process, not just for near the end of life, but in opening the door to good conversations with children and family. I did mine at around age 60, and the doctor I did it with was so happy that I chose to do so. He commented that so many issues and disagreements happen in families when a loved one is getting ready to die because good discussions have not happened. Medical staff have so many "gentle" options these days when someone has clearly indicated that they are OK departing and under what circumstances. They are hamstrung if there is no clarity. The paradox is that getting really clear about the circumstances of death, liberates the capacity to live well right up to that moment. Thanks again Gary.🙏🏼
Yes, Advanced Health Directives are a well-known legal document here and yet they are sometimes ignored in hospitals’ intensive care units. These other two choices (VSED and MAID) are more active steps to assist dying with dignity. MAID is only available in 10 states and D.C. where legislation has been passed to make it a possible choice. That only 9,000 people have used MAID was a rather surprising statistic although I don’t know about how it all gets reported.
I look forward to your follow-up piece Gary. I was (am?) a fan of Oliver Sacks and so picked up “Gratitude” when it was first published. It truly is remarkable. He’s one of my Elder teachers—and I consider you the same for your obvious zest for life, your generous spirit, and your passion for helping everyone age with grace and dignity. (Plus the gumption and courage you had to move to Mexico full time). As I helped steward my own father through his dying and death, and knowing our society doesn’t “do aging and death” well, I discovered the world is in great need of skillful guides (death doulas!), wise Elders, and supportive friends who offer real support as opposed to the all-too-typical “well, good luck. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.”
Thank you, Kert. You have a good plan that others might consider, knowing that each person’s situation is different. The important part is at least having a plan and if it needs t be adjusted, then we adapt and adjust according to circumstances.
Gary, I always enjoy your posts. Yes to gratitude. Yes to the grace of embracing not only the years, but also the passage of death, with dignity. I want to create a plan, while I'm able, to carry out my wishes. Thanks for listing insightful and valuable information as to how to potentially navigate that.
Thank you Gary, your posts always hit the right notes. I like the gratitude-attitude. I was brought up to take nothing for granted which makes the concept easier to grasp when applying it to life itself. I have seen examples of loved ones bravely accepting the news that their time is limited to months or weeks, and in most cases, I saw bravery, acceptance, and gratitude.
That’s a good combination of character - courage, acceptance, gratitude and makes it easier on families to let go when the tendency in many cases is to want to prolong and hang on as long as possible. I believe we have to have a good, hard look at the quality of life closer to the end of life and what we can and cannot do to make it as good as possible under the given circumstances. There’s a general cultural reluctance to deal openly and honestly with dying and death. There’s some change taking place and that’s a good sign.
Gary, your perspective, your caring nature, your ability to consistently write posts that “stirs within our souls is magnificent.”
Each day the goal is to improve unto the previous day, to try to care for ourselves, as well as those nearest and dearest to us; to love ourselves, as well as those nearest and dearest to us.
Do you agree?
That being said…
My mom is 93-years-old. For 93, she is doing fairly well. For that I am forever grateful. However, as I have been delving into the unknown of life, the unknown of “what, when and where” the progression of her life takes her, I have found a gentleman (IN EVERY WAY!!!) who will be a source to help me through “come what may/will…!”
I hope this makes sense, ‘cause it makes sense to me.
Thank you, Ron. There are many good people and resources to help "kids" care for aging parents, come what may. Interesting phrase, "come what may." We know change is coming, on the near horizon. Bless your Mom at 93. Mine lived to 96 and none of us knows how long we have. What we know is there are ways to make it as good as possible.
I am looking forward to your next Substack posts about the matter of dealing with the vagaries of aging on through to the end of life. I am grateful for having a daughter who chose a career focused often on matters of aging. My wife was diagnosed with Parkinson’s when Lisa was in her Senior year of high school. Mary Ann’s journey was motivating to Lisa. When I sold everything and started traveling full time, she initiated a conversation that was matter of fact, obtaining from me specifics relevant for making decisions when circumstances demanded them. I initiated an update of will/trust matters, simplified by my shedding all my belongings to travel. I own nothing that isn’t in liquid form. She talked with me about the next house she and her husband are looking for. It will include a room and bath that offer me some privacy. Should I become debilitated, they plan to switch me to the first floor master bedroom removing the issue of stairs. I am determined never to need that arrangement, but I am not in charge of the future other than to stay active and not make stupid decisions as long as I am able to make decisions for myself. I am grateful to have a Son-in-Law who values his family and shares Lisa’s values. His parents are deceased, so I am the only living grandparent left. I will read with interest what you have to say about how to negotiate the last part of our journey on the planet.
You write most eloquently about whichever subject you choose, Gary. I enjoyed this, and it is helpful context, too, as Jennifer's mom, 87, was just diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and is on hospice. Change is in the air.
The goal is to help a loved one be as comfortable as possible and to be there for the traditions, plural. And then, the final one. Blessings to you, Jennifer and her Mom.
What a thoughtful piece, Gary, and thanks for the tip about "Gratitude" – I'll be sure to get a copy.
My mother chose VSED, even though her facility fought it by constantly bringing meals on trays to her bedside – a complete waste of food but they said by law (NC) they had to do it.
I agree with you that "we miss many opportunities when our attention is narrowed rather than broadened and deepened to be inclusive."
Thanks, Kristin. There are choices that many have not considered, thus one of my reasons for sharing. The laws are peculiar, and only 10 states, plus D.C. have MAID. It is not widely published nor regarded for the benefits. VSED likewise.
Thanks as always Gary. I look forward to your series coming. In Australia we have the capacity to prepare an Advanced Health Directive, that gives medical staff a clear understanding of your wishes in relation to "heroic measures" in illness etc, and you choose who to give a Power Of Attorney to should you become incapable of making decisions. This is a really worthwhile process, not just for near the end of life, but in opening the door to good conversations with children and family. I did mine at around age 60, and the doctor I did it with was so happy that I chose to do so. He commented that so many issues and disagreements happen in families when a loved one is getting ready to die because good discussions have not happened. Medical staff have so many "gentle" options these days when someone has clearly indicated that they are OK departing and under what circumstances. They are hamstrung if there is no clarity. The paradox is that getting really clear about the circumstances of death, liberates the capacity to live well right up to that moment. Thanks again Gary.🙏🏼
Yes, Advanced Health Directives are a well-known legal document here and yet they are sometimes ignored in hospitals’ intensive care units. These other two choices (VSED and MAID) are more active steps to assist dying with dignity. MAID is only available in 10 states and D.C. where legislation has been passed to make it a possible choice. That only 9,000 people have used MAID was a rather surprising statistic although I don’t know about how it all gets reported.
I look forward to your follow-up piece Gary. I was (am?) a fan of Oliver Sacks and so picked up “Gratitude” when it was first published. It truly is remarkable. He’s one of my Elder teachers—and I consider you the same for your obvious zest for life, your generous spirit, and your passion for helping everyone age with grace and dignity. (Plus the gumption and courage you had to move to Mexico full time). As I helped steward my own father through his dying and death, and knowing our society doesn’t “do aging and death” well, I discovered the world is in great need of skillful guides (death doulas!), wise Elders, and supportive friends who offer real support as opposed to the all-too-typical “well, good luck. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.”
Thank you, Kert. You have a good plan that others might consider, knowing that each person’s situation is different. The important part is at least having a plan and if it needs t be adjusted, then we adapt and adjust according to circumstances.
Gary, I always enjoy your posts. Yes to gratitude. Yes to the grace of embracing not only the years, but also the passage of death, with dignity. I want to create a plan, while I'm able, to carry out my wishes. Thanks for listing insightful and valuable information as to how to potentially navigate that.
Stephanie, it was @Peter Tremain not @Kert Lenseigne 🌱 t who wrote about his plan in a comment. Sorry. Both of them are wise elders.
Either way Gary, the message still resonates. Big hugs.
Yes, yes to a plan. See @Kert Lenseigne 🌱 comment about his plan and thanks, again, to you.
Thank you Gary, your posts always hit the right notes. I like the gratitude-attitude. I was brought up to take nothing for granted which makes the concept easier to grasp when applying it to life itself. I have seen examples of loved ones bravely accepting the news that their time is limited to months or weeks, and in most cases, I saw bravery, acceptance, and gratitude.
That’s a good combination of character - courage, acceptance, gratitude and makes it easier on families to let go when the tendency in many cases is to want to prolong and hang on as long as possible. I believe we have to have a good, hard look at the quality of life closer to the end of life and what we can and cannot do to make it as good as possible under the given circumstances. There’s a general cultural reluctance to deal openly and honestly with dying and death. There’s some change taking place and that’s a good sign.
Gary, your perspective, your caring nature, your ability to consistently write posts that “stirs within our souls is magnificent.”
Each day the goal is to improve unto the previous day, to try to care for ourselves, as well as those nearest and dearest to us; to love ourselves, as well as those nearest and dearest to us.
Do you agree?
That being said…
My mom is 93-years-old. For 93, she is doing fairly well. For that I am forever grateful. However, as I have been delving into the unknown of life, the unknown of “what, when and where” the progression of her life takes her, I have found a gentleman (IN EVERY WAY!!!) who will be a source to help me through “come what may/will…!”
I hope this makes sense, ‘cause it makes sense to me.
And, finally…
Bless you, my friend; bless you!!!
Thank you, Ron. There are many good people and resources to help "kids" care for aging parents, come what may. Interesting phrase, "come what may." We know change is coming, on the near horizon. Bless your Mom at 93. Mine lived to 96 and none of us knows how long we have. What we know is there are ways to make it as good as possible.
I am looking forward to your next Substack posts about the matter of dealing with the vagaries of aging on through to the end of life. I am grateful for having a daughter who chose a career focused often on matters of aging. My wife was diagnosed with Parkinson’s when Lisa was in her Senior year of high school. Mary Ann’s journey was motivating to Lisa. When I sold everything and started traveling full time, she initiated a conversation that was matter of fact, obtaining from me specifics relevant for making decisions when circumstances demanded them. I initiated an update of will/trust matters, simplified by my shedding all my belongings to travel. I own nothing that isn’t in liquid form. She talked with me about the next house she and her husband are looking for. It will include a room and bath that offer me some privacy. Should I become debilitated, they plan to switch me to the first floor master bedroom removing the issue of stairs. I am determined never to need that arrangement, but I am not in charge of the future other than to stay active and not make stupid decisions as long as I am able to make decisions for myself. I am grateful to have a Son-in-Law who values his family and shares Lisa’s values. His parents are deceased, so I am the only living grandparent left. I will read with interest what you have to say about how to negotiate the last part of our journey on the planet.
So good of you to bring this conversation forward.
Much appreciated, Gary! I look forward to next week as well.
You write most eloquently about whichever subject you choose, Gary. I enjoyed this, and it is helpful context, too, as Jennifer's mom, 87, was just diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and is on hospice. Change is in the air.
The goal is to help a loved one be as comfortable as possible and to be there for the traditions, plural. And then, the final one. Blessings to you, Jennifer and her Mom.
Thank you, Gary ❤️🙏